I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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