God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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