I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
