my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
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Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
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I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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