not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
and you fell through a lawn chair
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
