I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
