I faked an abortion last night.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
