im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
