dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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