My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
