weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
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