It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
