do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
