Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
How drunk are you?