I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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