Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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