If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
