I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
