She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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