I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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