please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
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