then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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