Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
