thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
