she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
