Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I cut my penus on the lid.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
