ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I need to calm my uterus...
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
