Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
