apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
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While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
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He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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