smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
