that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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