4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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