why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
