Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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