but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
