I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Randomize
