i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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