I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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