um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
