last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
