Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
