I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Randomize
