Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
