I didn't shave. On purpose
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
