Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
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