i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
