I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
