woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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