If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
