Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
