Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
