were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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