and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
