if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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