You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
