this boner is exhausting
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Randomize
