I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
