I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
either way he was missing a nipple.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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