Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
