So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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