I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
