i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize