Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
