so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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