The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
