So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
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