My liver just broke up with me...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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